


A Blaze of Sun

by junxouji



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop, Original Work
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Platonic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2015-03-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 19:37:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3581442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Blaze of Sun

The color of my heart is black

It was burnt to black, just like that.

I break glass whenever I feel like.

And I look at my bloody hands and think, 

why am I like this ?

  
 

“Does it not taste well?” Sehun finally asks after a long silence. He  isn’t sure why there is a looming sense of  awkwardness hanging in the air because frankly this is his  lover he’s eating with. Nothing should be awkward or tense but Sehun has the distinct feeling Kris is holding back something.

 

Dazed and slightly confused Kris looks up from the well prepared meal as though he questions why the other male would even think something was wrong with the food. Nothing was ever wrong with what Sehun cooked.

 

“It tastes like it  always tastes Se, it’s good.” Kris mutters and there is the clattering of Sehun sitting his fork down and a small but frustrated sigh.

 

“Then what is it?” Sehun finally asks bluntly. “You’ve been dancing around me all week. Did I do something wrong? Did something happen at work? Why are you avoiding me?”

 

Kris looks torn. Because he doesn’t want to admit he may have been avoiding him. But it was really nothing to do with Sehun. Well,  maybe it had something to do with him but it too late now.  

 

“You’re not going to tell me?” It was the way that Sehun’s lips thinned and his hands folded neatly in his lap that indicated he was upset with Kris. Kris knew his lover better than most. The calm, refined way the other behaved often confusing to others but the small things were the ones that counted.

 

Kris sighed because he knew where this was going to lead. After living together since they both had graduated high school many,  many years ago it was apparent Sehun wasn’t going to back down. His lover wasn’t the delicate type despite being his mannerisms that might suggest otherwise. (Frankly, a thought that would get Kris sent to the couch if the other knew.)

 

“It’s nothing to concern yourself with.” Kris mutters losing his appetite. 

 

Sehun is silent for a few moments before taking a sip of his wine and sitting the glass back down. “Where you’re concerned, I’m concerned Kris.” He says lowly as if it was a closed topic now.

 

Kris shakes his head. “ This is the problem, Se. You go about ordering me like I’m your child when I’m your boyfriend. And I’m  older than you. If I want space or to handle something on my own you should respect me as a man to be able to do it.” It all comes out in a rush and he knows as soon as the words slip that avoiding a fight is nearly impossible.

 

Sehun looks taken back because rarely does Kris have anything to say back.

 

“Ever since we’ve met you’ve made the calls, decided for me to do certain things-- the last time I checked a relationship is a two person thing. If I say the food is good then the food is good and there isn’t anything to worry about.” Kris is standing now, appetite gone. He picks up the plate and goes to sit in the sink as Sehun remains grounded at the table.

 

Had Sehun done something wrong by asking what it is that the other was clearly distracted by? He huffs quietly because he isn’t use to Kris getting upset with him. Usually it’s the other way around. Sehun knows he’s demanding and hard on the other but only because he believes in all that Kris can be. How long had they been together? Six years? Maybe a few more. It all seemed to fade together.

 

He was confident he knew his lover best. He had spent his entire high school and university days being chased by the taller man. And for a long while Sehun had ignored his advances. But even for someone as stubborn as Sehun who only wanted to focus on becoming a doctor, Kris had eventually won him over. 

 

Kris had been four years his senior already in university when Sehun began high school. He had been flattered and somewhat overwhelmed the other had even taken notice in him.

 

Then came the years Sehun had worked his way up to head surgeon missing any events and holidays in their relationship. Kris had always been sweet about it and rather patient. Often times Kris would show up to his work like on Valentines or the Christmas that he couldn’t spend at home with both kisses and thoughtful gifts. Sehun had been swept off his feet.

 

And then came the years of emptiness. Sehun was aware something that turned the flames of their love off. Was it age or was it becoming use to the other? Whatever it was he felt as though Kris knew. Kris just refused to tell him. Sehun may have taken Kris for granted and gotten use to the other doing the swooning but he was more than willing to learn from his mistakes.

 

“Kris.” He calls the other getting up, leaving his half eaten plate on the table. “Kris wait.” He says and makes his way down the hallway.

 

Kris paused and turned around. Because even if he’s angry old habits are hard to kill. And he’s so  use to listening to what Sehun has to say.

 

“Are you frustrated with me? Listen I get it, whatever it is you want to handle without me.” Sehun says, “And that’s okay. I just don’t want to go to bed knowing you’re angry with me.”

 

Kris’ features soften but there is visible tension in his shoulders. “There is something I need to tell you.”

 

And suddenly Sehun doesn’t want to know so badly. Because it doesn’t sound like the  there is something I need to tell you when Kris told him he was getting promoted or the one where Kris confesses to having brought home a stray dog whom they named Ace.

 

It sounds like an end.

 

“Kris, can this wait? It’s late--” Sehun tries to think of a million and one reasons of why this shouldn’t be happening but cannot.

 

“I’m moving out.” 

 

The three words baffle Sehun. “M-moving out?” He asks bewildered. “Kris I don’t know what it is I did but I can fix it.”

 

“It’s not you, I swear it’s not. It’s me. There are just different things I want.” Kris says. “It’s my fault for letting it end up like this. But I don’t want to end up in a passionless relationship. Kissing you at times is like kissing someone who isn’t kissing back. You’re just  there. ”

 

Sehun shakes his head and cannot think of anything to say. Because even if he had known something was off he hadn’t imagined the other feeling this way.

 

“You keep skyrocketing in your career and I’m happy for you but-- how do you think I feel when you’re basically taking care of me?” Kris demands. “I’ve been stuck in the same position for years. I come home to a well kept house, always dinner made, and at times it just feels like I’m here to warm your bed.”

 

“You’re not!” Sehun chokes out.

 

“You’re always buying me expensive things, wanting lavish trips, taking me out to your country club with your coworkers-- and don’t get me wrong it was nice but I’m not some show pony. If you showed an ounce of the passion you throw into your work into me it wouldn’t be like this.” And it feels like a blow to the gut. Sehun’s lips tremble because despite the controlling atmosphere he emits, he doesn’t have any self control. Not when it comes to those he loves.

 

“I know I’ve been awful.” He says slowly. “I  know and god, Kris I’m sorry. But please do not leave me. I can change. I will change. I will do anyth--”

 

“I’ve been seeing someone else.” Kris finally manages.

 

For someone who has had their entire life planned to a T, it’s unexpected. And it  hurts , it fucking hurts. Sehun blinks as if Kris hadn’t said it because it doesn’t make any sense. Not the Kris who has promised to always love him and cherish him. Not the Kris who chased him relentlessly when they were younger until Sehun finally accepted the other’s feelings. Not the cheekily romantic Kris who had whispered sweet nothings in his ear just to see his blush-- No, because  that  Kris would never cheat on him then abandon him.

 

He never thought he would have to worry about Kris being stolen from him. Because Kris was the type to never sway in his affections. Or he  had been.

 

“This is so cruel.” Sehun says, hoarse and barely above a whisper. “You tell me that something is wrong with me, with  us , that you want to leave and then you throw out there that you’ve cheated on me.”

 

“The signs were all there. You just choose to ignore them until now.” Kris snaps, “I’ve been wasting so much time wallowing after you when you’re just concerned with your job and appearance. Did you ever truly care about me or did you stay with me because it’s convenient?”

“I stayed with you because I  love you. I already admitted to my fault. But it’s not fair regardless. You think you can just tell me I did wrong and then leave? You aren’t even giving me a chance to fix it.” Sehun says feeling to weak to fight. “Who is it? Who is the person you’re seeing? Do I know him?”

 

“God, you’re irritating.” Kris hisses, “You don’t even yell or cry during these type of things. You rationally think everything out.  She’s a secretary at the company. You don’t know her.”

 

Rational? It seemed like every ounce of rationality had slipped from his fingers. Sehun was far from  okay he felt like he was losing everything. Like some veil of dishonesty had been lifted from his eyes showing him somehow the fucked up pieces of a relationship he cherished falling apart.

 

He wasn’t  rational and how  dare Kris tell him how he’s feeling.

 

The moments slip by and Sehun finds himself a smaller apartment because the old one feels too big with Kris and Ace gone. It’s closer to his work and the only source of happiness Sehun has now is the smiling children he sees everyday in the children’s ward of the hospital.

  
  
 

The real name of love is definitely hatred,

Hope is the parent of disappointment and despair.

Why didn’t I know that the shadow that has casted over my face

Was created from the light called,  you?

  
  
  
 

He supposes he ought to have saw it coming. The nights Kris didn’t return on time. The lingering smell of perfume or distance Kris put himself. When was the last time they had sex? Sehun had just thought it was a side effect from being together for too long. Everything leaves it’s spark, right?

 

How can people change so unexpectedly and imagine that Sehun can suddenly go on as if Kris was never there? For the most part he’s  okay but it’s the moments when he’s alone…

 

The nights without kisses or a warm body pressed against him.

The days where Kris doesn’t join him for a morning coffee.

The little sticky notes left behind from Kris that remind Sehun to do some miscellaneous chore.

 

And it  hurts . Maybe he pushed back the pain to forget or maybe he was in denial but it doesn’t feel real.

 

The tidal waves of pressure on his chest becomes suffocating. Not only did the flames of their love become wettened with the burden of love but it dampened Sehun’s passion in general.

 

He swallowed some. He forgot how to breathe other. Most days he escaped to the break room to cry or slam his fist down. Because he dreaded at the end of the day going home to an empty home.

 

“You ought to take a vacation, you know.” His coworker says one day during a checkup for a elderly lady when Sehun had needed assistance. “You’re too young, too handsome to get married to the job.”

 

“Baekhyun, as much as I appreciate the concern, how I live my life isn’t your concern. Just worry about getting the x-rays back in a decent time frame.” Sehun says and it comes out a lot colder than he imagined it. He almost feels apologetic and attempted to apologize but Baekhyun waves him off.

 

Anyone can forgive someone they pity, Sehun thinks. Maybe if Kris had pitied him?

 

“I’m not telling you this as your coworker but as your friend.” Baekhyun says. “The chairman is going to release you for month’s leave. You might say you’re fine but to everyone else you’re a walking hazard. Go somewhere nice. Like Jeju.”

 

And sure enough before the day is over, Sehun is called down to his boss’ office. He’s told politely that he isn’t fired but simply on an extended vacation for  personal reasons and it isn’t a option if he wishes to keep his job. He cannot bring himself to hate his boss whose name was Junmyeon or even Baekhyun. Maybe they’re right-- maybe he needs time alone to think about his separation.

 

He’s twenty-seven and never had to live alone until now. He’s never had to live independently until now. From his parent’s home to Kris. Handed from one caretaker to another. 

 

It’s what leads him to the airport with passport in hand.  France he thinks. He isn’t sure why he choose it but it’s somewhere he had always wanted to go.

  
  
 

The small flat he rents off for the month has a nice view of Paris. Sehun has absolutely no clue what any of the signs or what the people are saying. It’s nice. It’s like he is in some alien world.

 

It’s beautiful. And that makes it all the harder to tolerate. Because Kris liked beautiful things.

 

He gets a message on the first evening at some restaurant he couldn’t pronounce from his best friend back home he hadn’t spoken to for months.

  
 

[ Luhan hyung ] :  I heard from your boss you went to Paris! Your mom called and she’s worried about you. You should at least be more considerate of those around you before you up and leave the country.

  
 

His nose wrinkles. It seemed people only ever wanted to talk to him when they had some scolding to do. He removes the battery from his phone and heads down the path following the Seine river. He kicks dust and pebbles here and there.

 

It’s only when he spots someone actually  in the river he pauses. Because he has to blink twice to make sure he isn’t delusional now as well.

 

Sure enough, he hears the tanned male shout words at him like  jump in, jump in,  sauter dans l'eau and Sehun has to concentrate to try to piece together the French the other is shouting at him until it twists to a lovely Korean accent.

 

Jump in? Was he insane? Why else would he want Sehun to get into a probably filthy river?

 

“ Donc vivre un peu! ” The other is saying and Sehun tries to hold up his hands because he doesn’t speak French and has no interest in jumping into a river with a probably  crazy man.

 

It’s only when the man steps from the water, pants only on, hair wet, and a wide smile Sehun realizes he wasn’t French at all.

 

“Rarely do I ever see Korean tourist.” He can understand him now because he’s back to Korean. His voice is soft and romantic like a Frenchman’s but sweet and velvety like a Korean’s.

 

“Why were you in the river?” Sehun asks rather bluntly.

 

The man though probably not much older than him if any smiles brightly. “You’re in la ville de l'amour and you ask me  why? Why not? Not far from here is a little Koreatown. The old ladies there have a tale they like to tale about this river. Why don’t you come with me to hear it yourself?”

 

Sehun is absolutely sure he’s met a madman but he curiously watches the other pick up his discarded clothes and fully redress again. In the end, he follows the other because he has nothing better to do. After all, he had come to Paris for hope for adventure. For anything to spark  something in his life.

  
 

“My name is Jongin by the way. And I’m not crazy-- well, least not in the traditional sense.” the other male speaks as he walks barefoot across the street. Sehun wants to ask him does his feet hurt but assumes if they did he would be wearing shoes.

 

Sehun has been to America before so the Koreatown Jongin takes him to is something familiar. A home away from home and he isn’t positive he likes it since he had been trying to escape home.

 

But it’s refreshing to see Korean restaurants and signs written in messy Hangul because he had missed certain parts already.

 

Jongin leads him into a small noodle shop that smells distantly like ramen, chicken and grease. He isn’t complaining because it’s a nice smell after being fed squid and snails for lunch.

 

“Meet Haeunbyul- halmeoni .” He’s taken to a grandma with withering greys and a kind smile. The corner of her eyes are wrinkled from smiling too much and her eyes are warm and kind.

 

“Jongin you brought a friend? Sit and eat, your brother is already closing up.” Haeun smiles as she gestures for Sehun to do the same. “What’s your name boy?”

 

“Oh Sehun, ma’am.”

 

“No need to be so formal here honey. Why don’t you eat? You probably miss home food right?”

 

Sehun nods sheepishly as he takes a seat in the corner of the restaurant. He peeks around spotting a few Koreans here or there but majority of the people were French. A bowl of noodles and chicken are placed in front of him and he shyly thanks her because she reminds him a lot of his own grandmother.

 

“Halmeoni, can you tell Sehun-ah here about the river tale?” Jongin asked and is whacked by his grandmother a second later.

 

“You were swimming in the river again? You  bad boy. One of these days you’re going to get caught by the police and you know what they’ll do to a  gook like you. Sehun don’t follow his foolish acts.” She says.

 

“Halmeoni! Tell him the story do not scold me!” Jongin begs as she pulls his ear but Sehun knows it’s affectionate.

 

The good kind of love hurt the most.

 

“Alright, alright. You want to hear the story? It’s said merladies live in that river. If you catch sight of them that they’ll grant your desires.” She says, “My foolish grandson has been swimming in the river though it’s forbidden since he was a child. He has big dreams though he cannot seem to differentiate between fairytales and reality.”

 

Jongin grins wildly. “It may not  be  real but there isn’t anything wrong with dreamin’ right?”

“Chew with your mouth shut. Tell us about yourself Sehun. Jongin rarely brings home any friends.” She says ignoring her grandson.

 

“I work as a doctor back in Korea. But I’m on vacation now.” Sehun says with a small smile. “He caught me off guard because he started shouting French at me. He’s quite eccentric.”

 

“I am  sitting right here,” Jongin smiles slightly.

 

“Shush boy.” he is hit by his grandmother again who takes quite a liking to Sehun. Maybe because she spies the looks her grandson give the handsome stranger when he is certain no one is looking.

  
 

And day by day Sehun returns to the small shop in the corner of a street in the middle of Paris miles and miles and miles away from Korea. Because Haeun always had stories to tell.

 

Somewhere crazier than others, others were more rational. But Sehun decided he was done with rational and reason.

 

So maybe that’s why he found himself huddled with Jongin more often not laughing at the other’s foolish acts. Like the time Jongin had tried to get him to go dancing on the square with him but Jongin was a professional dancer unlike Sehun.

 

Or the New Years festival for the Asian community within the slums of Paris. Or the protests for equality for the ethnic minorities of France.

 

Whatever it was, Jongin always wanted to do it.

 

“Today let’s go on a date, mm?” Jongin asked. “You only have a little time left in France. Why don’t you?”

 

Sehun looks up almost startled. Because he hadn’t told Jongin he was  gay much less anything like that.

 

“Excuse me?” Sehun asks.

 

“Granted, I’m weird but you should anyway. It’ll be fun and you look like you need some more fun.”

 

“I am not sure that’s a good idea.” Sehun admits, “Jongin I like you, I really do. But I just got out of a long serious relationship and you’re from France and I’m from Korea--”

 

“You’re thinking too hard. All I asked was for a date. Not for you to marry me.” Jongin smiles some. “Don’t think about tomorrow, think about today.  Today do you want to go on a date with me regardless of tomorrow?”

 

Though Jongin is odd, Sehun thinks he might be the wisest person he knows. Besides grandmother Haeun of course. Sehun nods because he does want to even if he’s afraid of what a goodbye will mean for them.

 

“Then give me your hand and I will show you the magic of Paris.” Jongin smiles as he extends his tan hand to the other male. Sehun hesitates but he takes his hand anyway.

  
  
  
 

The city of romance, Sehun thinks, as Jongin leads him through the night air. It’s crisp and cool but the heat radiating from Jongin’s hand is all consuming. Sehun has seen the Eiffel Tower daily but it’s slightly different when it’s dark, it’s light up with a million little lights, and Jongin is munching on a sweet pastry as he explains some nonsensical fairytale. 

 

“I don’t want to go back to Korea.” Sehun blurts.

 

Jongin pauses, wiping the crumbs from his mouth, and stares at Sehun. “But you do not belong here. Your job. Your life.”

 

“Everything is magical here.  You’re magical.” Sehun says squeezing Jongin’s hand. The other gives him a small sad smile.

 

“Sehun,” Jongin says. “Life is like a river. It doesn’t stop flowing for anyone. Along the way it collects dirt and pebbles but it never stops. Occasionally it comes across a dam and it fights it with it’s mighty current to keep  going but I like to think we’re all suppose to be like tiny rivers pooling together in the ocean of our universe. The man who hurt you was like a dam, but you got past him.” Jongin’s eyes are gentle. Sweet even. Sehun feels his chest hammering. “I don’t want to be a roadblock in your life. I want to see you shine. You’re happy with your job. You’re happy with your home. Me? I’m just a pebble you collected along the way. But you have to keep flowing, if not for yourself but for me. You’re destined for greatness. I’m a dancer with fairy tales as my reality. We’re worlds apart.”

 

“Is this you telling me you want me to go back?” Sehun asked quietly.

 

“Yes.” Jongin says. “As long as you remember me I’ll be happy. Take me along with you in your memory, okay?”

 

Memories . It’s the singular thought the following days when Sehun is back at the airport to head  home . Jongin’s presence overwhelming him. Haeun hadn’t come because she was ‘ too old to be in such a crowded place ’ but she had said her goodbyes. Jongin’s hand was laced with Sehun’s but he had been quiet.

 

“Jongin?” Sehun asks.

 

“I’m sad to see you go.” Jongin admitted. “I thought it was enough to be selfless and not hold you back. Why did you have to come  here and find me? Then go flow effortlessly back to where I cannot follow?”

 

“Oh,  Jongin .” Sehun mutters turning to Jongin. He presses his hands to the other’s face, stroking the gorgeous handsomeness. He leans up and presses a feather light kiss to the lips that had kept him sane. “You’re the one who told me to go back. Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

“If I did, it wouldn’t change anything.” Jongin says. “Please be the responsible one and go. We can skype or email. It’s not the same but it’s better than you disappearing forever.”

 

“Jongin, you’ve really been the best thing that’s come into my life. The magic, your silly stories, your understanding- why couldn’t you have come before?”

 

“I’m just a pebble remember? I only help when it’s needed the most.” Jongin says softly. “Please go. Smile a lot. And help all those kids you love helping. Remember rivers don’t stop flowing so don’t stop excelling. One day you’ll think about me in the future and realize how crazy I was.”

 

“What are you talking about? I know how crazy you are  now .” Sehun muttered, “Jongin-” The call for his flight was announced and he gave one longing look to Jongin. “I know it’s only been a month. But I love you, I do. You’re important to me. Distance isn’t everything. I’ll come back for you. I’ll live here or you can come to me-”

 

“Sehun your flight.” Jongin says.

 

“Jongin I just-”

 

“I know. I love you too. Now go, shine, and don’t worry. It will all work out.”

  
  
 

Sehun left shortly after. His eyes danced in the clouds out of the plane window.  Jongin . He already misses him. He just didn’t know it was the day God took Kim Jongin from his life twice. 

 

Jongin knew how it was going to end. Those whimsical eyes caught in the headlight of the passing truck. But as the life faded quickly, broken body on the pavement, his lips twitched into a smile. 

 

You try so hard to hold on,

but in one moment they’re gone.

Just keep me in your  memory,

that’s where beauty belongs.

 


End file.
